So I've just been down and out of sorts all day, in a total funk. Shortly before it was time to pick the kids up from day care, I went outside and shoveled the snow and slush and put down a good coat of ice melt. Then I hopped in the car and slowly started driving with my mind churning.
The roads were horrible, they hadn't been treated or plowed and were getting packed down into ice. I saw an accident a little bit in front of me - 3 cars, people walking around them - so I slowed down even more... and the asswipe behind me in their big 4-wheel drive SUV gunned their engine and sped around me, in the oncoming traffic lane and right at the accident they could not see because of the snow and sleet coming down. Thankfully it turned out ok, they didn't hit anyone or anything, but it just made me burst into tears.
I turned on the radio to listen to the road reports and a song came on that brought back memories of my 17 year old self tangled up in a back seat with the first boy who really made me all tingly, and who *really* taught me how to kiss. The boy everyone couldn't believe I was going out with, because what would a guy like him want with an overweight geek from a low-rent family. And no, the answer wasn't sex, because we never did. But the kissing, necking, making out... oh my. Chapstick's value went up that glorious summer.
I started laughing through the tears, and things were a bit better.
Night Ranger: Sister Christian
(sorry for the ad at the beginning)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Weight(y) Matters
I'm sitting here watching "The Biggest Loser" and resisting the urge to get a snack. What is it about this show that gives me the munchies? Some people look at the contestants and wonder how the hell they got that big... I look at them and think how easy it would be to get that big.
I have been heavy for most of my life. In the 5th grade, the pediatrician told me it was bad enough I wore glasses, but I'd never get a boyfriend if I was fat. I weighed 96 pounds. By my senior year in high school, I had another 100 pounds on my 5' 6" frame. At age 30, another 30 to 40 (or 50) were piled on. I had lots of excuses - I come from an overweight family, I worked two (or three) jobs and had no time, I wasn't athletic... I spent a lot of time and money on diets, and would lose 20 or 30 pounds and then gain it (and another 5) back within a year. But I was happy (if not healthy) and I always had boyfriends and a big group of friends that I went out with, so I accepted that I was always going to be the chubby girl.
Something changed around my 30th birthday. I looked at the women in my family and their health issues that were related to being overweight, and I didn't want that. I was tired of buying my clothes in the "big girl" stores. I was tired of being tired. I started looking at my diet and eating more whole foods, I stopped eating meat (I was never a big carnivore) and I started walking. Then one day I ran a few steps, and then a few more, and then a mile... I started getting fit, and feeling better. I joined a dojo and began studying tang soo do. I signed up for, trained for, and ran a half marathon. I enjoyed being fit and healthy.
Then came love, marriage and the baby carriage. Two carriages, in fact, in two years, with one baby who didn't sleep through the night for her first year, and not consistently until she was almost 16 months old. Add in a stressful job that involves a lot of travel and long hours, and it was oh so easy to fall back into old habits and patterns. To make excuses. I'm not as heavy as I was 10 years ago, but I need to get back to a healthy, active weight.
I want to be a good example for my kids, especially my daughter. I want them to enjoy physical activity and good food. I don't want them to know the embarrassment of being picked last, or not being able to wear the cute clothes. But most of all I want them to be healthy. And to help make sure that happens, I need to take care of myself.
This was a crap week for me as far as eating and exercising. It's harder to get back on the bandwagon than I thought it would be. The spirit is willing, the body... is tired. And hungry. And stressed. Which makes me more tired and "hungry..."
But I am worth it. And so are those kids. My goal this week: be mindful of what I am eating. And work out at least 3 times - be it on my elliptical, going for a walk outside, or getting my ass down to the gym.
I have been heavy for most of my life. In the 5th grade, the pediatrician told me it was bad enough I wore glasses, but I'd never get a boyfriend if I was fat. I weighed 96 pounds. By my senior year in high school, I had another 100 pounds on my 5' 6" frame. At age 30, another 30 to 40 (or 50) were piled on. I had lots of excuses - I come from an overweight family, I worked two (or three) jobs and had no time, I wasn't athletic... I spent a lot of time and money on diets, and would lose 20 or 30 pounds and then gain it (and another 5) back within a year. But I was happy (if not healthy) and I always had boyfriends and a big group of friends that I went out with, so I accepted that I was always going to be the chubby girl.
Something changed around my 30th birthday. I looked at the women in my family and their health issues that were related to being overweight, and I didn't want that. I was tired of buying my clothes in the "big girl" stores. I was tired of being tired. I started looking at my diet and eating more whole foods, I stopped eating meat (I was never a big carnivore) and I started walking. Then one day I ran a few steps, and then a few more, and then a mile... I started getting fit, and feeling better. I joined a dojo and began studying tang soo do. I signed up for, trained for, and ran a half marathon. I enjoyed being fit and healthy.
Then came love, marriage and the baby carriage. Two carriages, in fact, in two years, with one baby who didn't sleep through the night for her first year, and not consistently until she was almost 16 months old. Add in a stressful job that involves a lot of travel and long hours, and it was oh so easy to fall back into old habits and patterns. To make excuses. I'm not as heavy as I was 10 years ago, but I need to get back to a healthy, active weight.
I want to be a good example for my kids, especially my daughter. I want them to enjoy physical activity and good food. I don't want them to know the embarrassment of being picked last, or not being able to wear the cute clothes. But most of all I want them to be healthy. And to help make sure that happens, I need to take care of myself.
This was a crap week for me as far as eating and exercising. It's harder to get back on the bandwagon than I thought it would be. The spirit is willing, the body... is tired. And hungry. And stressed. Which makes me more tired and "hungry..."
But I am worth it. And so are those kids. My goal this week: be mindful of what I am eating. And work out at least 3 times - be it on my elliptical, going for a walk outside, or getting my ass down to the gym.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Phobias
I am afraid of bugs. Not lady bugs or house flies (although those are gross) and not even the stink bugs that have taken over parts of Maryland (because those are kind of cool looking). I'm talking BUGS.
Spiders. Centipedes. Millipedes. Creepy crawly things. Bugs. My heart beats faster, I get nervous, and, when coming upon one unexpectedly, I may or may not scream. Like a girl.
After breakfast this morning, the kids and I headed back upstairs so they could play and I could do some work. George was in the lead, followed by Clara, with be bringing up the rear to make sure my klutzy little girl didn't fall back down the stairs. Suddenly she stopped and said, "Ew mama. Buggity bug. Big bug." I look, and sure enough... centipede. Big one. Mean looking, too.
I hustled her up the stairs, grabbed the hose on the vacuum, and sucked the centipede up, proud of myself for actually addressing the bug on the stairs rather than making the kids remain on the third floor all day until Tom comes home to dispatch the bug.
A couple minutes later, I hear the kids shrieking gleefully. Turns out sucking a bug up doesn't kill it, and the centipede was scrabbling around inside the vacuum canister. Lovely. I put the vacuum in the main bathroom and shut the door. Tom will have to empty the canister when he gets home, and if the damn bug isn't in it he'll have to at least pretend to hunt it down for me.
Meanwhile, I'm laying here imagining I can hear its hundreds of little legs scritching around inside the vacuum, plotting its revenge for being sucked up. Perhaps it is sending telepathic messages to all its centipede friends... and I am not kidding when I say I will not sleep well tonight if I do not have definitive proof the damn thing is out of my house.
Aren't phobias fun?
Spiders. Centipedes. Millipedes. Creepy crawly things. Bugs. My heart beats faster, I get nervous, and, when coming upon one unexpectedly, I may or may not scream. Like a girl.
After breakfast this morning, the kids and I headed back upstairs so they could play and I could do some work. George was in the lead, followed by Clara, with be bringing up the rear to make sure my klutzy little girl didn't fall back down the stairs. Suddenly she stopped and said, "Ew mama. Buggity bug. Big bug." I look, and sure enough... centipede. Big one. Mean looking, too.
I hustled her up the stairs, grabbed the hose on the vacuum, and sucked the centipede up, proud of myself for actually addressing the bug on the stairs rather than making the kids remain on the third floor all day until Tom comes home to dispatch the bug.
A couple minutes later, I hear the kids shrieking gleefully. Turns out sucking a bug up doesn't kill it, and the centipede was scrabbling around inside the vacuum canister. Lovely. I put the vacuum in the main bathroom and shut the door. Tom will have to empty the canister when he gets home, and if the damn bug isn't in it he'll have to at least pretend to hunt it down for me.
Meanwhile, I'm laying here imagining I can hear its hundreds of little legs scritching around inside the vacuum, plotting its revenge for being sucked up. Perhaps it is sending telepathic messages to all its centipede friends... and I am not kidding when I say I will not sleep well tonight if I do not have definitive proof the damn thing is out of my house.
Aren't phobias fun?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Weigh-in Wednesday #2
My first official week on the healthy eating/taking care of myself plan is over and... it's a zero. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Null. Nothing.
ZERO. 0.
Better than a gain, but ZERO. I wasn't expecting a "Biggest Loser" first week or anything, but geez... zero.
I know I could have eaten a bit better. And let's be honest, the wine could go... especially during the week. And I need to start exercising regularly.
This week's plan: no wine during the week (except for tonight, because... well, because I'm annoyed and tired and pissed off and stressed and I want a damn glass of chardonnay). And Saturday and Sunday are not free-for-alls. The 80-20 thing isn't working at this point. I need to be accountable and on track and conscious at all times at this point in the game. AFTER I hit my goal, then I can relax. Now, not so much.
So, onward and upward, which will hopefully lead to the weight going downward.
ZERO. 0.
Better than a gain, but ZERO. I wasn't expecting a "Biggest Loser" first week or anything, but geez... zero.
I know I could have eaten a bit better. And let's be honest, the wine could go... especially during the week. And I need to start exercising regularly.
This week's plan: no wine during the week (except for tonight, because... well, because I'm annoyed and tired and pissed off and stressed and I want a damn glass of chardonnay). And Saturday and Sunday are not free-for-alls. The 80-20 thing isn't working at this point. I need to be accountable and on track and conscious at all times at this point in the game. AFTER I hit my goal, then I can relax. Now, not so much.
So, onward and upward, which will hopefully lead to the weight going downward.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Time flies
How do the weekends go by so quickly? I feels like 5 minutes ago I was closing down my computer and heading to the Metro, thinking about everything I needed to get done over the weekend. And now I'm getting everything put together to head to work in the morning.
I did manage to take down the Christmas tree and pack up all the decorations. While I was boxing everything up, the kids asked if we could leave out one decoration so we could remember Christmas all year. I said sure, thinking they'd pick one of the bells we hang on the doorknobs or the "Santa Stop Here" sign on the back deck. Nope. They chose a big stuffed snowman my mom gave us a couple years ago that, honestly, isn't so much my style. But it makes them happy, and you know what? Come July, I think we could use a little of the Christmas spirit. So the snowman will stay, And probably annoy me. Until I remember why it's there.
I did manage to take down the Christmas tree and pack up all the decorations. While I was boxing everything up, the kids asked if we could leave out one decoration so we could remember Christmas all year. I said sure, thinking they'd pick one of the bells we hang on the doorknobs or the "Santa Stop Here" sign on the back deck. Nope. They chose a big stuffed snowman my mom gave us a couple years ago that, honestly, isn't so much my style. But it makes them happy, and you know what? Come July, I think we could use a little of the Christmas spirit. So the snowman will stay, And probably annoy me. Until I remember why it's there.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Snow delay
This caused a 2 hour delay for Howard County schools. In Erie, growing up, we wouldn't have put on winter coats for this.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Treading water
We woke up late this morning. My damn clock has an AM and PM designation on the alarm, and I had it set for 5:30 PM somehow. Of course this is the day Tom's insomnia and early rising didn't wake me up, and the kids slept in. Even the damn cats were quiet. Nothing like waking up leisurely from a good dream, all warm and comfy, stretching and yawning and looking towards the window and HOLY HELL THERE IS LIGHT OUT THERE!!!!
Got the kids ready (it is more awesome than I can say that the boy will pick out his own clothes and dress himself) and Tom took them to day care while I threw on clothes and hit the road. Get to the Greenbelt station and Metro has once again screwed the pooch. Seriously, I think announcements should be made only when things are running well and on-time, it would be easier.
Got to the office late for a 10:00 meeting which then ran long, finally sat down at my desk to return email and phone calls... looked at my clock when I could finally come up for air and it was 1:30. Ate lunch at my desk while reading the news, then back to the regular grind. The good thing is I accomplished a lot today and crossed off most of my to-do list for the week.
Coming home, Metro was Metro. Walked in the door at 7:00, reheated leftovers for my dinner while calling a couple people on the west coast that I didn't have time to from the office, collected the girl to get her into bed and intended to fold laundry and clean the upstairs bathrooms after she was down.
Only she wanted to cuddle. "Read, Mama. Read to me." So I did. She picked a new book, one Santa brought for her: If Animals Kissed Good Night And every time a baby animal got a kiss good-night, she would lean back and kiss me, wrapping those tiny arms around my neck to kiss my nose or lifting my hand to kiss my palm. When it was over she asked me to read it again. And then again.
Damn the laundry, it's already wrinkled. And the bathrooms can wait. I managed to tread water today without going under, and got extra snuggles to boot. I call today a win.
Got the kids ready (it is more awesome than I can say that the boy will pick out his own clothes and dress himself) and Tom took them to day care while I threw on clothes and hit the road. Get to the Greenbelt station and Metro has once again screwed the pooch. Seriously, I think announcements should be made only when things are running well and on-time, it would be easier.
Got to the office late for a 10:00 meeting which then ran long, finally sat down at my desk to return email and phone calls... looked at my clock when I could finally come up for air and it was 1:30. Ate lunch at my desk while reading the news, then back to the regular grind. The good thing is I accomplished a lot today and crossed off most of my to-do list for the week.
Coming home, Metro was Metro. Walked in the door at 7:00, reheated leftovers for my dinner while calling a couple people on the west coast that I didn't have time to from the office, collected the girl to get her into bed and intended to fold laundry and clean the upstairs bathrooms after she was down.
Only she wanted to cuddle. "Read, Mama. Read to me." So I did. She picked a new book, one Santa brought for her: If Animals Kissed Good Night And every time a baby animal got a kiss good-night, she would lean back and kiss me, wrapping those tiny arms around my neck to kiss my nose or lifting my hand to kiss my palm. When it was over she asked me to read it again. And then again.
Damn the laundry, it's already wrinkled. And the bathrooms can wait. I managed to tread water today without going under, and got extra snuggles to boot. I call today a win.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Weigh-in Wendesday
Ok folks, I'm *trying* to get back on the fitness bandwagon. And while I would love to fit into the pair of designer jeans that have been shoved in the back of my closet since finding out I was pregnant the first time, more than that I want to be fit and healthy. And I want to be a good example for my kids (especially my daughter).
So. I've lost weight before, and actually was successful in keeping it off. Then came marriage and two babies in two years (and a year of sleep deprivation courtesy of the beautiful baby girl) and The Work Year From Hell (aka neg reg and two massive proposed rule packages and me traveling about one week a month). And with all those things came laziness about eating and exercising. And lots of excuses.
But guess what? Life is always going to be busy. I'm always going to be tired, cookies are always going to be more appealing than edamame crisps. It's about choices, and I choose to make better choices and take care of myself, because in the long run it will mean taking better care of my family.
And it's not just about diet and exercise. I need to go to a sports ortho and get another opinion about my knee. I want to run, but I can't go out the first day and try to pound out 4 or 5 miles. I need to approach it like I've never run before, and start with a walk-run program and build a base. I need to go to a dermatologist before the end of 2011 and get a couple moles anf freckles checked out. And I need to get a baseline mammogram. It's about those jeans, but it's more about being healthy and fit and living to see some grandchildren some day.
Today I hopped on the scale for my official starting weight in this project. Monday as a weigh-in day is just so... Monday. So Wednesday it is for the official day. I'm not going to tell you the number that was on that scale. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it is just that - a number. I'd like to lose about 40 to 50 pounds to be where I feel best, where I don't have to work out two times a day and seriously restrict what I eat to maintain, but where I am comfortable and feel good (and those damn jeans will fit), so let's say 45 to give a little + and - wiggle room.
The little step I'm going to take in January to build good habits: say no thank you. We have cake at work all. the. time. to celebrate something or other. It's ok to pass on the cake or take one bite, and just sit and chat. And why is it I throw away produce and fresh food almost every week, but when my well-meaning husband comes home with lo mein or french fries I eat them because I don't want to waste the food and money? That needs to end. And the "mommy munching" - finishing the last 3 or 4 bites of food on the kids' plates because I don't want to waste it. They didn't eat it because they are good about self-regulating and stopping when they are full... I need to do that to, and be ok with scraping it in the trash. So that is the healthy habit plan eating-wise for January. For exercise, I am going to block the gym time on my calendar at work and GO. No more excuses, the work will always be there, and I am less stressed and feel better when I can get on the pool treadmill or take a spin class.
So. Here we go...
So. I've lost weight before, and actually was successful in keeping it off. Then came marriage and two babies in two years (and a year of sleep deprivation courtesy of the beautiful baby girl) and The Work Year From Hell (aka neg reg and two massive proposed rule packages and me traveling about one week a month). And with all those things came laziness about eating and exercising. And lots of excuses.
But guess what? Life is always going to be busy. I'm always going to be tired, cookies are always going to be more appealing than edamame crisps. It's about choices, and I choose to make better choices and take care of myself, because in the long run it will mean taking better care of my family.
And it's not just about diet and exercise. I need to go to a sports ortho and get another opinion about my knee. I want to run, but I can't go out the first day and try to pound out 4 or 5 miles. I need to approach it like I've never run before, and start with a walk-run program and build a base. I need to go to a dermatologist before the end of 2011 and get a couple moles anf freckles checked out. And I need to get a baseline mammogram. It's about those jeans, but it's more about being healthy and fit and living to see some grandchildren some day.
Today I hopped on the scale for my official starting weight in this project. Monday as a weigh-in day is just so... Monday. So Wednesday it is for the official day. I'm not going to tell you the number that was on that scale. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it is just that - a number. I'd like to lose about 40 to 50 pounds to be where I feel best, where I don't have to work out two times a day and seriously restrict what I eat to maintain, but where I am comfortable and feel good (and those damn jeans will fit), so let's say 45 to give a little + and - wiggle room.
The little step I'm going to take in January to build good habits: say no thank you. We have cake at work all. the. time. to celebrate something or other. It's ok to pass on the cake or take one bite, and just sit and chat. And why is it I throw away produce and fresh food almost every week, but when my well-meaning husband comes home with lo mein or french fries I eat them because I don't want to waste the food and money? That needs to end. And the "mommy munching" - finishing the last 3 or 4 bites of food on the kids' plates because I don't want to waste it. They didn't eat it because they are good about self-regulating and stopping when they are full... I need to do that to, and be ok with scraping it in the trash. So that is the healthy habit plan eating-wise for January. For exercise, I am going to block the gym time on my calendar at work and GO. No more excuses, the work will always be there, and I am less stressed and feel better when I can get on the pool treadmill or take a spin class.
So. Here we go...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The commute is wearing me down
Yesterday was my first day back in the office after more than a week off. How is it in that week I forgot how much the commute sucks? It sucks and it is sucking the life out of me.
I drive to the Greenbelt Metro station, take the green line to Gallery Place and then red to Farragut North. On a good day this takes an hour and a half (maybe once a week), on a bad one two hours (twice a week usually) and the norm is about an hour and forty-five minutes. I telecommute on Wednesdays but end up going into DC anyhow maybe twice a month.
So for arguments sake, lets say I commute four days a week, 105 minutes each direction (so 8 times a week or 840 minutes total each week), 4 weeks a month. That's 3,360 minutes a month spent commuting. 40,320 minutes a year. That's 672 hours, or 28 days. TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS! Almost a month. I spend almost a month every year between my car and the Metro doing nothing other than getting to and from work and trying not to give in to commuter rage.
Yeah, that's a productive use of my time.
I drive to the Greenbelt Metro station, take the green line to Gallery Place and then red to Farragut North. On a good day this takes an hour and a half (maybe once a week), on a bad one two hours (twice a week usually) and the norm is about an hour and forty-five minutes. I telecommute on Wednesdays but end up going into DC anyhow maybe twice a month.
So for arguments sake, lets say I commute four days a week, 105 minutes each direction (so 8 times a week or 840 minutes total each week), 4 weeks a month. That's 3,360 minutes a month spent commuting. 40,320 minutes a year. That's 672 hours, or 28 days. TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS! Almost a month. I spend almost a month every year between my car and the Metro doing nothing other than getting to and from work and trying not to give in to commuter rage.
Yeah, that's a productive use of my time.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year, New Beginning
New years are always full of big ideas, new beginnings, things that will change and be better. Or not. Resolutions are made and broken in weeks (or days... or hours). But the idea that we can change ourselves and that we have a marked start time is hard to resist.
One of the big changes in the new year involved the boy. Yesterday we took down George's crib and put up his Big Boy Bed. I couldn't help but think of how different it was putting together the bed than when the crib was assembled almost 4 years ago. Then, we had no clue what we were in for, we had only been married a little while, the house was quiet and full of anticipation. This time, George kept yelling "What is taking so long?" and Clara was "helping" me, it was loud and busy in the house, and like all old married couple we alternately sniped at each other and cracked up at how "easy" the assembly was.
I may have cried a little bit, too. I can't believe how big my boy is, my first baby. He climbed up into that bed, adjusted his Moon in My Room, said good-night and rolled over. Before I went to sleep, I snuck into his room to check on him like I did every night for the first two years of his life (before the slightest noise outside their rooms would wake the girl and lead to another sleepless night). He had turned off the moon and was laying there all stretched out, hands over his head and toes pointed, snoring away. But his stuffed kitty was still by his side. My big boy.
One of the big changes in the new year involved the boy. Yesterday we took down George's crib and put up his Big Boy Bed. I couldn't help but think of how different it was putting together the bed than when the crib was assembled almost 4 years ago. Then, we had no clue what we were in for, we had only been married a little while, the house was quiet and full of anticipation. This time, George kept yelling "What is taking so long?" and Clara was "helping" me, it was loud and busy in the house, and like all old married couple we alternately sniped at each other and cracked up at how "easy" the assembly was.
I may have cried a little bit, too. I can't believe how big my boy is, my first baby. He climbed up into that bed, adjusted his Moon in My Room, said good-night and rolled over. Before I went to sleep, I snuck into his room to check on him like I did every night for the first two years of his life (before the slightest noise outside their rooms would wake the girl and lead to another sleepless night). He had turned off the moon and was laying there all stretched out, hands over his head and toes pointed, snoring away. But his stuffed kitty was still by his side. My big boy.
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